As you can see, this toilet had no bidet, hell, it didn't even have a commode (just a hole and a helpful broom), nevertheless, I want to stop here and talk about bidets for a second. I am in the process of building a house, and so recently the topic of whether I'll be including bidets has come up several times.

I have used bidets all over the world, and when I hear people refer to them as "fancy," I'm always thinking to myself, "You realize that water is usually freezing cold, right?" It doesn't feel very fancy to me. Who is telling everyone in America that bidets are a lovely, fancy, thing? Stop it. If you didn't grow up with them, you will most likely agree with me that they are startling, upsetting, and they just make everything super wet.

Sure, now you're all clean, but you are also sopping wet. Are you supposed to use up gobs and gobs of this person's toilet paper to dry off? Or worse, one of their bath towels? Because that's what essentially just happened, you gave your bum a little shower, and now that part of you is drenched. What was the follow-up plan here?

I guess in my own home I could make sure the water was always warm, and that I kept lots of bum towels nearby, but what a hassle. As I am typing this, I already I know in my heart that I wasn't meant to have a bidet in my house. I think I might have PTSD, actually -- Post Toilet Stress Disorder. I just have too many horrible memories from France and beyond, too many wet, wet, experiences in overseas bathrooms with no exit strategy.

I bring home so many amazing and gorgeous things from my travels, but the first thing I am always exceedingly ready to leave behind are their STRESSFUL, HORRIBLE, TOILETS. If you are the type of person who usually stays in resort-style accommodations when traveling, you may never fully know what I am talking about, and I bristle with indignation any time I hear a friend or colleague refer to how many "vacations" I take each year. Huh. "Vacations," you say? Here. Let's look at some of the places I've been forced to use the bathroom, shall we?"

I'm still trying to figure out if I used that broom in the way it was intended.