PHOTO BY KIMBY KAPLAN.

Waiting until you retire to start traveling and seeing the world seems a bit like waiting until you’re 70 to go get breast implants. Maybe that’s when you can finally afford to do it, but it just seems like there are some things in life you could probably make the most out of if you did them while you are still relatively young. You get what I’m saying? Why put something off until you’re too old to fully enjoy it?

I think of my dad, and how he finally got the ski cabin he always wanted, but not until the year after he had his hip surgery and couldn’t ski anymore. Have you ever read The Gift of the Magi? Yeah. It’s a bit like that. Waiting to travel until you’ve reached retirement age is a catch 22: you can finally afford to do things that your body is no longer capable of doing! Insidious.

Likewise, if you are struggling with drugs and alcohol, keep in mind that there’s no day like today. You don’t want to wait so long to stop drinking, that you finally sober up—only to realize that the better years of your life have passed you by. You only get one body, and as each year passes, the physically demanding feats it is capable of just keeps getting smaller and smaller. This is pretty depressing stuff, I know.

Even in my early 40s, I found the altitude of the EBC so challenging and oppressive, that I remember constantly thinking to myself that had I waited another 5 years or so, I probably wouldn’t be able to do this. There were days that every step was so physically painful, it was as if my body was begging me to just stop and lie down. But then I’d reach an amazing precipice with a breathtaking view like the one you see me standing at above, and it would all be worth it.

A Note: When I say breathtaking, just know that I mean it both figuratively and literally; because while the views on the EBC were, of course, breathtaking in the poetic sense, all the nonstop, strenuous hiking at high altitudes combined with, I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’ve smoked cigarettes for about 30 years, meant that I quite frequently found it literally, physically, hard to breath. Go figure.

I remember staring out and congratulating myself on how far I’d come, how all my training had paid off, and feeling prideful (and maybe even a little smug) in the knowledge that very few people in the world ever get to experience this. You’re so special, Ryan! You’re the man!

And at about that moment, I kid you not, all my back-patting and self-aggrandizing was interrupted by a commotion. I turned around to see about twenty guys, probably half my age, all wearing running shorts and taking steps two at time as they literally BOUNDED up the mountain in a jogging formation.

I could have started feeling down about myself and depressed that I didn’t stop drinking sooner, but instead I thought, maybe everyone just does what they can, when they can. If you can’t travel the world until you retire, then maybe you just find a way to see the world on your terms, you just find a trip that lends itself to what you still can do.

And hey. If you want to be pushed around in an industrial strength wheel chair, because thats the only kind that can support both your oxygen tank AND the giant tits you just purchased, then so be it.

One final thing— and elderly people don’t hate me for bringing this up— but remind me again why we give senior citizens discounts when they hold more money and purchasing power than any other demographic?

That seems a bit backwards, no?

Talk amongst yourselves.

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If you are wondering what it feels like to hike at high altitudes, I discuss that HERE; it's very, very similar to having Covid19. And in case you still don't know, the Corona Virus is a phenomenon that God invented in collaboration with a desperate alcoholic -- all of which you can read about HERE.