This is an excerpt from a larger list, where I give various activities a Sober Fun rating of 1-10. Entries from this list are scattered throughout my website, or you can find that complete list HERE.

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PARASAILING: 5

No, you’re not the only one that gets parasailing and paragliding confused. I often have to pause for a second to make sure I’m saying the right one in a sentence. It’s probably because people sometimes use them interchangeably, but there is a fundamental difference between the two: parasailing involves a motor vehicle (most commonly a boat), and paragliding does not. Paragliding is the one where you jump off a cliff and then fly around in the air like a bird, underneath a wing canopy. It’s an exciting, exhilarating, adventure— as you fly past mountains, over valleys, and through canyons. You can go almost anywhere and it’s awesome. You can read about that HERE.

Parasailing, however, is usually done above the water, often in a sitting position involving some kind of chair-like apparatus, and it’s a lot more… linear. A boat gets you into the air by towing you with a tether, and then it basically just flies you in the air like a kite. Sometimes you go in a slow straight line. Sometimes you go nowhere at all, you just sort of hover. You’re above a body of water, so that’s the view below you the entire time, just water. Hopefully you’re somewhere really beautiful, or somewhere with a lot of activities going on all around you, so that there’s lots for you to look at while you wait; because now you’re basically stuck up there until the clock runs out. You’re in control of nothing, and you’re not ever going fast enough for speed to be part of the appeal in any way. It would be super neat if these parasailing trips legitimately took you somewhere, like to an island for lunch or something, but they almost never do. They just drag you through the air in a line and back. Even though people get the two confused, trust me, after you’ve done them both, you’re not likely to get paragliding and parasailing mixed up ever again.

I’m thinking specifically about parasailing in Mexico now. The way we were just kind of stuck up there in the air, dangling with nothing to do, didn’t remind me one bit of flying, it reminded me more of when a ski lift breaks down and everyone is forced to just dangle patiently in the air. Is someone fixing the chairlift hopefully? What time is it?

Another example would be if you’ve ever been held hostage by a Ferris wheel. I remember the one in London would get you all the way up to the very top, and then unexpectedly stop. To this day I still don’t know if that’s something that they do on purpose? Intentionally stop it intermittently so the people at the top can enjoy the view and get their money’s worth? Or similar to the ski lift, is the random stopping just an indication of minor breakdowns and loading/unloading kerfuffles? Either way, I’m always excited when it starts back up again, because just like with the ski lift and the parasailing, there’s nothing to do up there, and I’m more than ready to come back down.

My friend Maria was up in the air with me for the Mexico parasailing activity. We had erroneously left our phones behind in the boat, mistakenly thinking we were in for a wild and crazy ride, but it was so smooth and uneventful that we could have performed precision surgery up there. We didn’t know what time it was, so it felt like we were up there for hours, just dangling. I remember us being so bored that we started wondering if maybe this was some kind of elaborate Mexican shakedown. They must know how boring it is up here, and how much money people would be willing to pay to make it stop and come back down, so any minute I expected them to start yelling out dollar amounts.

Luckily, they didn’t, and we were (eventually) released from our air jail and brought back down to the boat, but another friend of mine posed an excellent question: “What did you guys think you were going to do up there?”

Ah. Well, you know what, that is a really great point, Matt. What did we think we were going to do up there?

Therefore, my advice to you is this: parasailing is a bit like a park. It can be a very lovely setting, but it’s ultimately up to you to bring your own fun. You wouldn’t show up to a park empty handed, just to sit mindlessly in the grass, so neither should you show up unprepared for your parasailing session. I would recommend packing a picnic lunch, or planning something, like maybe a marriage proposal? I don’t know. I’m having a hard time coming up with anything other than those two things to do up there while in the air, sorry, that doesn’t involve smoking drugs or drinking alcohol. Which is why parasailing gets a neutral Sober Fun rating of 5 from me.

And just like with hot air ballooning, please PLEASE listen to me and choose the package that lasts the least amount of time! No one ever listens to me about this until it’s too late. When I tell you this, it isn’t coming from a spoiled place -- like I'm an ADRENALINE JUNKIE who can’t recognize the more subtle pleasures in life -- it is coming from someone who knows that there are simply some activities that seem cooler in theory, or when viewed from afar, than they actually are in person. You wouldn’t know that until you’ve done them, so I’m telling you.

This is one of those activities.

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Want to learn more about being trapped in the air? Sounds like your ready for some HOT AIR BALLOONING!