Photo By Teri Glanger.

After a long day of being on set in cargo pants, there's nothing I like more than to come home and unwind by changing into a suit, and then partially taking it off while someone photographs me.

I'm joking of course. Well, except about the cargo pants. I do wear them (or a modern variation thereof) almost daily. And I'd like to stop and talk about that for a second, actually.

All you women (and let's be honest, most of my fellow gay men, too) who think it's okay to hate on cargo pants, and ridicule them as the height of terrible fashion, I would like to challenge you to a duel: Right now, stop what you are doing and see how many camera lenses and pieces of equipment you can fit into the pockets of whatever it is you are currently wearing. I'm assuming the answer is "zero." Whereas with cargo pants, I don't think I ever even reached the limit of what they could hold. We may never know, of course, as cargo pants have been universally banished. Shame on all of you! You clearly have no idea how helpful these pants were to a photographer. It was like wearing your own personal assistant.

Your campaign against wearing these delightful and highly-useful pants was so thorough, that even straight men who might not know one other thing about fashion, do know they aren't supposed to wear cargo pants anymore or they get in fashion trouble. This means that even if I don't give a shit and want to wear then anyways, good luck, they aren't even anywhere to be found! They have been exiled so completely that I am forced to now wear the newer equivalent that can hold only a fraction of the things my old cargo pants could hold. I mentioned lenses, but my old cargo pants could also hold massive quantities of liquor, cigarettes, even food as well. And we aren't just talking about measly protein bars. If you wrapped them properly, these pockets could hold muffins, bagels, and whole sandwiches. I'm getting a little weepy here, but I had a system where the left half of my body was reserved for important and expensive camera-related things, the right side for personal items like food, and never the two did meet! Unlike your inefficient bags and purses and backpacks where you run the risk of getting chocolate or mayonnaise or tobacco on your gear. Pathetic!

So all you ladies who are constantly asking your man to carry your purse, NO! Stop it. We had a purse too, it was just spread out all over our legs. You took it away, so now you can figure out what to do with your enormous bag that doesn’t even keep your legs warm or your things divided into dozens of bulging and neatly organized pockets.

Man, I miss cargo pants...

You've hear of Side Boob, but how about Side Balls? You can read about another of my pant conundrums HERE.