Nothing is so dangerous or frightening as a viscous animal that happens to closely resemble your domestic pet. But I’m not going to belabor how deceptive these wild dogs are or talk about how I’ve watched them take down an animal quadruple their size by attacking as a synchronized pack. I figure, if you made it this far in my website, then you are probably sick of hearing me reiterate that the savanna is a deceptively dangerous place, and that you should always try to STAY ON YOUR JEEP.

No, these dogs got me thinking about another animal that also exist much closer to home, namely, I want to talk here about bears.

Specifically, I want to talk about the completely unrealistic notion that a person is supposed to do two completely different things depending on whether you encounter a black bear, or a brown bear.

I’ve just recently found this out. Did you know about this? It’s true!

With a BROWN bear, you are supposed lie down and play dead, and not fight back in any way, not for any reason; but with a BLACK bear, you are supposed do the EXACT OPPOSITE, and engage the bear in some kind of fight.

Wtf?!?

I’ll go on:

From what I’ve been reading, if I understand correctly, with a black bear it sounds like you are supposed to launch into full-blown pandemonium, and either run and yell and scream, or fight with all your might; or in some cases, all of the above. You’re supposed to launch into this frenzy and do all of these things like your life depends on it... because it does.

In fact, the last thing you are ever supposed to do with a black bear is play dead, because then the bear will just kill you and eat you. No, instead, you are supposed to attempt a series of impossible maneuvers, like punches and jabs and high kicks to its face. I’m not making this up.

The article I was reading even encouraged me to try turning any and all available objects that I might have at my disposal into weapons. Hmm. That sounds a lot like complex fight choreography to me, and completely preposterous advice for a layperson who has just unexpectedly encountered an angry bear.

I was already starting to wonder who this author imagined his target audience to be, when just a little further along, it essentially started describing how to perform a roundhouse kick to the bear’s face. I kid you not. That’s when it occurred to me that the author is basically just recommending we use our martial arts skills to karate the bear into submission.

Well, sir, I do not have those skills.

I just want to say to this to the author of that very upsetting article — if I had martial arts skills, and could fly through the air with my leg extended out like a flesh missile, I probably wouldn’t be reading your silly bear attack article in the first place.

Yeah. I’d be in a bar somewhere destroying all my enemies. In fact, so many people would want to challenge me in mortal combat, that bears would be the least of my worries. Hell yeah. I’d be in my little white… oversized belted hotel robe pajama ensemble thing, and I’d be kicking ass and taking names. (Actually, I have a hard time remembering names, you can read about that HERE; also, an aside, I don’t know what the karate outfit is called, obviously.)

A little bit more on my level, here’s a catchy pneumonic device I found to help us all remember:

But it’s not even really the fighting part that has me scared, it’s actually the color thing.

You are talking to someone who has come home (on two different occasions) with a pair of shoes that turned out to be a completely different color than what I thought they were, all because they were displayed in a poorly lit corner of the store.

So, the idea that in between its growling approach and my crippling panic attack, I’m supposed to stop screaming long enough to discern (in the forest’s notoriously dappled light, no less) whether the bear is brown or black? Yeahhhhh… This seems unrealistic.

Sometimes brown looks almost black to me in a shadowy area, and sometimes black can look almost brown in bright sunlight and oh my God I’m having a panic attack right now just thinking about this….

Suddenly I’m remembering a console table I bought that my mom would not stop referring to as “black,” when clearly it was a deep and complex brown. We argued at length about it, and eventually resorted to consulting the manufacturer’s listing. But it was called something ambiguous like Midnight Mocha or Burnt Espresso, and to this day it remains unresolved, and we each still stand our ground. She says it was black, I say it was brown.

Oh god, when I think about it, there was also a bedpost that Seth and I were trying to stain a dark brown, but the finished stain looked almost purple to me. And now I’m thinking about the Jungle Book— what color was that bear? It wasn’t exactly purple, was it? Wasn’t it like a bluish grey? The pneumonic sign above doesn’t even touch on what to do with a bluish grey bear!

Or do we think they were maybe taking artistic liberties in The Jungle Book, and there’s no such thing? Or maybe there are bluish grey bears, but they’re just in India?

Wasn’t the Jungle Book set in India? Now I'm doubting everything. Also, isn’t it weird that something with the word “book” in the title I’ve only ever seen as a movie…?

Jesus. I need to go lie down. This is all too much. I’m just gonna lie down right here, right now. Just for a bit.

If a bear comes, let’s hope it’s a brown one.

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The Jungle Book made me think about this young man I met in Thailand.

You can read about him HERE.

Or, read about the only other blue bears I know about HERE!