If I am dead and you guys are trying to decide which shirtless pics of me to include in my funeral slideshow, I'd like to offer up this one as a good clean option. It's nice and nature-y and not too provocative... Unless of course y'all think it looks too much like I have a leaf tattoo on my arm, which, of course, I do not...

In that case, try this one. I'm even wearing one of those bandannas I loved so much during the pandemic (even though they turned out to be FOR DOGS).

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Whether it's to celebrate an anniversary or landmark year, or to look back on a life after that final year here on earth, I feel like lately I'm being tasked with putting together an increasing number of commemorative slideshows. And I have no problem with that, it has just made me hyper-aware of how painstaking and sometimes impossible it is to locate a substantial number of truly good photographs of a person. This is especially true of older folks, but even the younger generations with all their exhausting social media accounts-- sure some of the photos you post are occasionally, accidentally, good -- but are they funeral-slideshow-good? Think about that from now on before you go to post your photos, and it would make my job a whole lot easier.

Yes that picture of you pretending to deep-throat a banana is fun, but is it funeral-quality fun? Really think about that before you post. There's always a lot of judgmental, older people at funerals, so let's maybe start cleaning that FILTHY MIRROR before taking all those classy bathroom selfies, yeah? Believe me, down the road your funeral memorial slideshow editor will thank you for it. In fact, personally, I would recommend that all of you stop what you're doing right now and schedule a portrait session with a professional photographer. When is the last time you had a proper photo session? People don't do this enough anymore, and that's a shame, because it forces me into a position of having to make some bizarre choices.

For the service of an 80-year-old woman, why is her enlarged prom picture outside on the easel in the parlour? Well, it was between that and her deathbed photo from the nursing home, that's all I had to work with, and the prom photo was just slightly less upsetting. Seriously, y'all, call a photographer and make an appointment today for your WHOLE FAMILY.

And oh! A pro-tip: Be sure and request that they take at least a few of you by yourself, you never know who you might become divorced or estranged from in the future. It will save me from having to photoshop them out later. Photoshopping the life of a deceased person is a drag -- trying to alter history because the best photos have an Ex in them or the family doesn't speak to that particular cousin anymore...ugh. Plus, which is more disturbing, the idea that you rode that rollercoaster alone (because I was asked to Photoshop someone out) or that it was one of the few good photos of you that I had to work with, even though your lips were flared up and blown back against your gums by wind? By the way, a Six Flags photo doesn't count as professional photography, just FYI. And while WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHY certainly does, no one is going to be confused about who is missing from the photo if you're down on one knee in a park or standing alone at an alter wearing a wedding dress, no matter how fantastic you look. So, if you won't call a photographer, at least start gathering together some realistic options for me and save them in an easily discoverable folder on your desktop. Thank you.

As you can see from this website, I, on the other hand, have taken it upon myself to gather up a treasure-trove of acceptable funeral photos for you to use. This should make the whole process a piece of cake, You're Welcome.

Whether I was accidentally trampled by a majestic elephant (who clearly didn't know what it was doing), or angrily beaten to death by an exasperated flight attendant (who clearly knew exactly what she was doing), all the photos you'll ever need to tell my story are right here on my website, no need to look elsewhere. Under no circumstances do you need to locate old photographs of me wearing that hideous septum piercing or dressed in a pair Z CAVARICCIS (Mom), nor should you lazily use any poorly lit trash photos you took with your camera phone (Everyone). I figure that if my slideshow runs on a 20-minute loop, and each picture stays up for 4-5 seconds with a 1 second transition on each end, then you'll have more photos to work with than you could ever need.

The extra padding is because obviously I don't yet know how I'm going to die, and what might be in bad taste due to the circumstances. For example, if I died of diabetes complications, then maybe a whole bunch of pictures of me gobbling up cake would be undesirable, or if I WAS MURDERED certain photos might be part of an ongoing investigation, depending on who the prime suspect is (SETH).

Also, while we are on the topic of funerals, I figure that here is as good a place as any to reemphasize to everyone my desire to have a Viking Funeral, if at all possible. The specifics I will let y'all work out, as I recognize that this could be both costly and difficult to execute, but just to be clear, it should always involve my body being placed on an ornate (preferably antique) sailing vessel of some sort, lit on fire, and then set off to sea or some other body of water (preferably at sunset). After having my house built, I also recognize that there are more city ordinances and permits required to do certain things within Dallas city limits than I ever imagined, so White Rock Lake might not be a realistic option for this, as I had initially presumed. I don't know though, it might, you'd have to call someone. The SMU rowing team might know?

Understandably, this might seem overwhelming at first, and that is one of the many reasons I took the time to gather up all these photos for the funeral slideshow. Now all of you will have loads of extra time to locate a flammable Nordic or Scandinavian watercraft and a body of water situated somewhere in a province that will allow my Viking funeral or, alternately, has a fire and police team with a notoriously long response time. For while we might not ride this roller coaster of life alone, we do disembark from it alone and -- ordinance-permitting -- on fire. And in this dark and sad hour of mourning (and fastidious, detail-oriented funeral planning), don't forget the maxim that all photographers live by: It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission (White Rock Lake).

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Oooh! Or how about this one -- kind of like I'm "hitchhiking for a ride to the afterlife?" That could be fun, yeah?!