I originally started writing this while at a drug rehabilitation center, in the summer of 2020, during the height of the pandemic. Meanwhile, out in the world at large, people were confused and terrified. They were wiping down doorknobs, slathering themselves with hand sanitizer every 5 seconds, and if you sneezed in public, everyone would look at you like they might just shoot you right there on the spot. What an interesting time to get sober, while the rest of the world was spiraling into insanity.

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The Alcoholic’s Virus (aka, The Corona Virus)

Don’t think the irony has been lost on me that I decided to stop drinking at basically the exact moment in time when alcoholics and heavy drinkers the world over have been given a Free Pass.

Before Covid, if you were suspected of drinking at work, your manager might pull you aside and ask to smell your breath. Now, all you’d have to do is just repeat the request back to him.

“You want me to blow my breath into your face so you can sniff it up your nose holes?”

“You know, Ryan," the terrified manager might say, as he took two giant steps away from me, "I think we’re good, you can just go back to work.”

There’s been loads of conjecture and hypothesis about how our current worldwide pandemic ultimately started, but to me it seems most likely that God owed an alcoholic a huge favor (don't ask me why), and they sat down together and came up with the Corona Virus.

“God, I think I may have somewhat of a drinking problem.”

“Yes, I’ve somewhat noticed. So would you like me to help you stop drinking?”

“Haha, God no, but I’d like there to be a way that people at work couldn’t smell it on me.”

“Okay, that’s easy. Just wrap a huge piece of fabric around the bottom half of your face to cover up your mouth hole. Done.”

“But wouldn’t that look suspicious? I’d look ridiculous and people would ask questions.”

“Not if everyone else was doing it too…”

“Why would everyone wrap cloth around their mouths? Are you thinking you’ll create, like, some kind of a new worldwide fashion trend?”

“No, I was thinking I’d create more like a worldwide plague.”

“God! That seems so drastic! Why is “plague” always your first go-to solution for everything?”

“Well, I can also do Fire and Floods really well…”

“Those are both extremely drastic, too! Plus, I don’t see how either of those things would in any way help my situation.”

“You’re right. Again, you could always just ask me to help you stop drinking.”

“No, no, let’s explore the Plague-thing a little bit more. Sometimes I drink so much, that I feel like people could still probably smell it on me, even if I had a face mask on.”

“Okay, I’ll just make everyone else smell like alcohol, too! Also, I’ll probably still do some Fires and Floods this year, too, just so you know. ”

“Hold on, back up, you’re going to turn everyone else into alcoholics?”

“Ha! No, that would be absurd and bring forth the complete and utter downfall of society as we know it. No, I’ll just have every person carry around small bottles of alcohol and spritz it all over themselves every few minutes or so.”

“That also sounds absurd. Why would people do that?”

“I don’t know, to protect themselves against the Plague? We’ll call it Hand Sanitizer or something. You let me worry about the details. So, are we good?”

“No, sometimes I go on benders and can’t leave the house for several days because I’m too drunk. How can we solve that?”

“I’ll make all the stores and businesses close down, and force everyone to stay at home.”

“Hold on, if all the businesses were closed, wouldn’t that include liquor stores?”

“No, I’ll allow them to stay open for some reason.”

“Okay, but if all of the other businesses are closed, how will I earn money to pay for my liquor? Also, you know that sometimes I get so drunk I can barely put on my pants! All I can really manage to do is get on the computer and chat with friends.”

“I’ll make it to where your liquor can be delivered, and everyone can now work from home, chatting drunkenly on the computer with no pants on. I’ll call it Zoom Meetings.”

“That could work.”

“Eventually, of course, society will have to start back up again, and you’ll need to sober up and go back into the office.”

“But what if I mismanage my drinking and find myself with a massive hangover, or worse, the need to spend several days detoxing?”

“Oh, if we don’t actually address your drinking problem, you will most assuredly find yourself in all of those situations. But you’re in luck – I’ll make the early symptoms of The Plague almost indistinguishable from a horrible detox/hangover, so that should buy you some time. How much time do you think you’d need to pull yourself together?”

“I dunno, usually 3 or 4 days? Maybe a week?”

“Perfect. That’s how long I’ll make it take for the The Plague test results to come back from the labs. So, are we good?”

“I guess so…”

“Good. Call me again in a few years when you've hit rock bottom and are finally ready to quit drinking."

And such is the creation story of how the Corona Virus was born. They were going to call it the Alcoholic’s Virus, but that seemed too obvious, as did other working titles that were bandied about, like the Martini Virus, so God just discreetly named it after a Mexican Beer and called it a day.

The End

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Except it’s not "The End" at all, not for me, anyways. This past year has actually been just the beginning. If I can get serious here for a second, getting sober during Covid has had its unexpected perks.

First off, you’re not missing out on much.

No parties, no concerts, no international travel, all the bars are closed… so many temptations to drink have been taken right off the table!

It’s like the world got put on pause while I figure out how to get through the early, most difficult, months of sobriety. It almost feels like I’m cheating – the "Getting Sober" equivalent of bowling with those gutter rails up.

But the main perk of Getting Sober during Covid is that I’m not the only one going through something life-changing right now, everyone is. Not knowing what the future holds, learning to live life one day at a time, being forced to do things each day in new and unexpected ways – everyone is experiencing this to some degree right now.

In fact, with a few carefully chosen words and pronouns, I can talk openly with someone about the challenges and difficulties I’m having with sobriety, and they can totally relate to me, never knowing that we are talking about two (slightly) different things. They just assume I’m talking about learning to live life in our new Covid World.

So, what a great time to get sober.

Actually – with everyone wearing masks, avoiding your breath, and lubing themselves up from head to toe with alcohol-based hand sanitizer – what a great time just to be an alcoholic in general.

Both practicing AND recovering. 🙂