On a scale of 1-10, this outfit gets about a 6 on the “Is it Right for Jail?” Scale.

Ryan’s Travel Tips!

Always dress as if you might wind up in the local jail for an extended, indefinite period of time. Whether at home or abroad, you never know when the Los Angeles police department might arrest you for an indeterminate reason, just moments away from your own home. That is why no matter where you’re going— no matter if it’s to visit a BUDDHIST TEMPLE FAR IN THE HIMALAYAS, or just around the corner from your LA home to buy some crack cocaine -- I recommend always planning your outfit accordingly. If possible, try to dress in layers, keeping the idea in mind that you could be wearing this same outfit for who knows how long, while you work your way through the lengthy processing procedures of a Los Angeles County Correctional facility.

Like I did.

I was so traumatized by the whole ordeal that without even realizing it, for at least a full year after being arrested, I would find myself inadvertently selecting my daily ensembles based on whether or not I felt they would make smart, practical, and comfortable jail attire. I’d think to myself, “Is this an outfit I could realistically spend several days in, if needed? Does it have the necessary stamina, pockets, and warmth that I now know I will need?” Having already been through the whole jail nightmare once, there was no way I was going to make the same mistakes twice. They are constantly handing you papers and documents and things, stuff you’re supposed to somehow keep track of, and I’ve found that the two shallow pockets of a bathing suit just doesn’t cut it.

After leaving my LA loft each day, I would sometimes even run back inside and change if, say, I got a couple blocks from the house and realized I had on flip flops. Flip flops are never a good footwear choice for jail, you really want to have on proper shoes. The floors are cold and sticky. Also, even if it might not make sense for the current LA weather, you never want to just have on a t-shirt. Or a tank top. What are you going to use to make a pillow? Not to mention, it gets really cold in jail, especially when your bed is a hard, frigid, cement floor. So ideally, you want to have extra garments to wad up into a pillow, or put over yourself like a blanket.

I already know that you’re going to say, “But Ryan, it gets really hot in the summer, a jacket in Los Angeles would be preposterous!” Calm down, I agree, that is why I recommend a nice puffy vest. A lovely down or micro-fill vest is an ideal choice, as you won’t look too ridiculous wearing it around LA in the summer. But then, once you get arrested, your vest can become so many different versatile and useful things! Your fellow cell mates will undoubtedly recognize the vest’s usefulness too, which means that in a pinch, you can also probably trade it for cigarettes when you get hard-up.

Another thing to be aware of is whether the ball of your tongue ring is still easily removable. If the grooves of the ball have become threadbare over time due to neglect (like mine apparently were), then the LA County correctional employees will find a large bolt cutter, and cut it out of your mouth for you, during the intake process. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Also, be forewarned, they seem to enjoy this. If given just a few minutes more, I honestly believe I could have disconnected my tongue ring of my own accord, but it’s like they have those bolt cutters on standby. They were able to produce them with a rare degree of efficiency, a speed incongruent with how tediously long it took them to perform every other task.

Finally, no matter what you wear to jail, they are going to release you in a flimsy pater outfit, right out onto the street. Picture a blue paper hospital gown, but fashioned into a sort of ill-fitting jumpsuit. You won’t have your clothes or possessions or even your cell phone or wallet with you, and it is up to you to somehow make it across ALLLLLLLLL of Los Angeles to the faraway building where your belongings are being held. For some reason.

WTF, LA County Correctional Facility?! Really?

Fun Tip, don’t mistakenly sit on a wet bus bench, because then your paper outfit will disintegrate almost immediately, exposing your bare white ass.

I have found that tears from crying about the hopelessness of your situation—of trying to get across town in a paper outfit with no wallet or bus fare— can make your outfit all wet, too. But who are we kidding, there’s probably nothing you can do to avoid sobbing in a situation like this.

Well, Bon Voyage!

This has been Travel Tips with Ryan Covington. Join me next time when I’ll tell you how to try and hold a flimsy paper outfit together and hide your penis (to avoid going BACK to jail), when the paper outfit invariably snags on a loose bus screw and rips almost entirely in half.

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You hear stories about charlatans that BEG on the street corners, harassing cars and impersonating homelessness all day, but then sneak off at night back to their comfy apartment, with pockets and pockets full of cash. Well, even though I have a strict personal policy of not giving money to street beggars, to this day, I will always help anyone I see who is wearing a blue paper jumpsuit. The likelihood that they are conniving imposters, out to deceive you and take advantage of your generosity, is very, very low.

These jumpsuits don't even have pockets.