A Tell Tail Sign

Pakanyi, Uganda

Do you know about this? Apparently, there are Old World monkeys and New World monkeys. Previously, “Old World Monkey” is what I called the little tchotchke in my house near the door that holds all my spare pocket change.

It was long believed (by me) that Old World monkeys were ones that wore little outfits and fez hats and lived on the damchaya near your entry door, holding a tiny box for spare pocket change, but new information has come to light, and this may not be scientifically accurate.
It was long believed (by me) that Old World monkeys were ones that wore little outfits and fez hats and lived on the damchaya near your entry door, holding a tiny box for spare pocket change, but new information has come to light, and this may not be scientifically accurate.

But it turns out, real-life Old World monkeys don’t wear little fez hats. It’s not even their ability to stand up and hold a tiny tray of random coins that sets them apart, it’s something much more fundamental: The tails of Old World monkeys, if they even have them, are not prehensile.

This monkey is terminally grumpy about his useless, Old World tail.
This monkey is terminally grumpy about his useless, Old World tail.

This means they are not capable of grabbing and grasping things, which seems like a real letdown to me. It is probably a source of bitterness and contention between them and the fancy New World monkeys, who mostly do have prehensile tails, which they presumably use to do all sorts of fun stuff.

A documentary/archaeology special that I watched as a child may have contributed to my belief that New World monkeys were mostly defined by the tiny jackets they wore. The filmmakers were correct in their depiction of the capuchin monkey using a prehensile tail, but more recent scientific studies have shown that his little jacket is optional.
A documentary/archaeology special that I watched as a child may have contributed to my belief that New World monkeys were mostly defined by the tiny jackets they wore. The filmmakers were correct in their depiction of the capuchin monkey using a prehensile tail, but more recent scientific studies have shown that his little jacket is optional.

See, you learn something new every day. Case in point, I have learned today that if I ever grew a tail, I hope to god it’s prehensile. Otherwise, what’s the point? I feel like I’d just get it caught in car doors and things and it would get real dirty and I’d have to buy all new pants with tail holes and I’d eventually just end up having it removed.

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Here is another (better) example of an Old World monkey.

I could watch these expressive and mischievous BABOONS for hours. Their wide range of emotional faces and puckish schemes make them an absolute joy to behold. But then contrast them with this one-note Colobus monkey here, who just went around and pulled a sour face at everything he saw...and I’m bored almost immediately. Sorry.

Seriously. It’s unfortunate that he was given such a permanently downturned mouth, as it makes him largely unsuitable for most leading Disney roles.

But don’t worry. I have a SIDEKICK IDEA for him in the works!

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Read more about Ugandan primates and their gangland tendencies HERE!

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