A warning for all you nature and wildlife photographers out there who are really into birds, I happen to not be. I don’t dislike them, I’m just not really what you’d call a “bird person.” In fact, the strongest opinion I have about birds was formed after bird-sitting for a neighbor, and it’s that birds should never be kept as pets. And not just because it’s cruel, but because it’s terrible on all fronts.

1. First, let’s go ahead and clear up that yes, it is in fact cruel, and you’re a dildo for keeping a bird locked up in a cage. I know pet bird owners usually have a whole rehearsed logic they are dying to espouse to you, and that's fine. I encourage them to visit the LOS ANGELES COUNTY CORRECTIONAL FACILITY like I have, and then come back and tell me if they still think these birds are happy.

2. Secondly, it’s all right there in the name, isn’t it? How rewarding is a pet you can’t pet? The owner of the birds said they actually love it when you stick your finger in their cage and lightly rub their feathers. Really? Cuz that’s not the vibe that I was getting. Is that why they try to bite my finger off with their beaks when I do that? Because they love it so much?

3. My neighbor's birds were generally unpleasant and wouldn’t shut up— which would be my exact disposition, too, if you locked me in a cage and threw a tarp over it.

Now. Having said all that, anyone with eyeballs can surely see that the bird I photographed above is magnificent. It's easily the most beautiful bird I’ve ever seen. The way it’s painted is like a work of art. Our local guide told us that main thing we should remember about seeing this bird was absolutely everything, because it was unlikely we would ever see one of them again in our lifetime, unless we returned to sub-Saharan Africa. He continued to emphasize its importance in African culture, especially in Kenya, where it is the national bird. He told us that it was on the BUCKET LIST of many photographers and ornithophiles; I told him I could certainly see why.

The bird, which I learned was called a lilac-breasted roller, hopped around on the ground as if it was looking for something. Earlier in the day I had witnessed my first dead elephant, followed by lots of other even more aggressive carnage, so after the morning we’d had, this little bird’s flightless searching around on the ground made me quite nervous. The whole time I was looking through my camera lens I was waiting to see some big hippopotamus mouth or something come into frame and devour it whole.

Luckily, nothing like that ever happened, and I like to think he's still alive, cage free, hopping around in Africa, and having a grand old time.

Also, I have no idea if it is actually a "he."

Sorry, I don’t know how to tell, I told you, I’m not a bird person.

It’s clearly GAY, though.