This is an excerpt from a larger list, where I give various activities a Sober Fun rating of 1-10. Entries from this list are scattered throughout my website, or you can find that complete list HERE.

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HOT AIR BALLOONING: 3

Above is a photo of my friend Margaux and I, as they deflated the hot air balloon behind us, that we'd just been trapped in for over 500 hours.

Not really, but that's what it felt like.

This is perhaps the most complicated of all my opinions, because my stance on whether this is a fun excursion (and worth the hefty price tag) has very little to do with if you are drinking or not, and everything to do with where you are planning to do this. If you’ve never been in a hot air balloon, I know it will be very difficult for me to convince you that riding in one, regardless of where you are, is going to be anything other than a wonderful, magical time. I blame Hollywood for this. But please hear me when I say, unequivocally, that hot air balloons are inconceivably boring, and that there are about a hundred better things to do with your afternoon and money. If you don’t believe me, that’s great—I want you to go up in one and then immediately call me, so we can then talk about how boring they are!

The very fact that after the first hour I usually start concocting a plan to hurl myself over the side and onto the ground, all to escape that tiny basket of boredom, makes me give Hot Air Balloon Rides a Sober Fun rating of 3.

The thrill of being up in the air goes away almost immediately, and then you are just left standing in a tiny basket, right next to a blisteringly hot gas furnace, for however long you booked your tour. Since you move with wind, and can only fly on non-windy days, you will move at a snail’s pace through the air. This means that whatever view you have, you will have that SAME VIEW FOR A VERY LONG TIME. Hope it’s a good one!

For example, it doesn’t get more beautiful than the San Juan Mountains, just outside of Telluride, and yet I started checking my watch after only about thirty minutes into the balloon ride. By that point I’d taken every photo there was to take, from all 360° vantage points within the basket, and became disappointingly aware that it was going to be a very, very, long time before that view changed in any meaningful way. Eventually I just powered down my camera (there was nothing new to photograph), and accepted that we were going to be forced to make small talk for the next hour and a half with the balloon operator. Margaux and I were good friends, who talked regularly, so we ran out of things to say to each other relatively quickly. There was nothing new to comment on about the (unchanging) view, so we basically resigned ourselves to learning about the history and traditions of ballooning for the next two hours from the balloon operator.

Sadly though, I already knew most of what he told us, from all the other balloon rides I’d taken. These balloon rides all play out in much the same way, with you inevitably stuck listening to the balloon operator endlessly telling you (rather than showing you) how great and amazing hot air balloon rides are.

I realize that this might sound like a very First World problem— being bored in a hot air balloon— but boredom is a very dangerous thing for an alcoholic! You are not doing any physical activity nor are you helping to control the aircraft in significant way, so your mind may start to wander. It is not only customary for you to have strawberries and champagne upon the completion of each ride, but also for this particular operation, the meeting place where we met our guide was in the parking lot of a weed dispensary. Go figure. I found myself thinking about how since nothing is required of the passengers, and since once you get up here, there’s really nothing much to do, the best way for most people to enjoy this really would be to buy a bunch of weed from the dispensary, come up here and smoke it or eat it, and then ride around high as a kite (or a balloon, harhar) until in was time to bust open the champagne. It almost seemed like that was what they intended.

I would normally tell you to choose the shortest ride possible, just to choose the shortest excursion offered by whatever balloon operator you’ve decided to use, and that you will probably have a pleasant enough morning, especially if this is your first time riding in a balloon... But the problem is, the whole thing is such a hassle, that the shortest ride might still not be short enough. Due to weather considerations, every balloon operator I’ve ever encountered will have you meet them somewhere in the dark, well before sunrise. So you can probably expect to be waking up some time around 3:OO A.M. on the morning of your excursion. This becomes a hefty commitment, which also curtails whatever it is you had planned to do the night before. When you combine this inconvenience with the monetary cost of the whole ordeal, you will likely be tempted, like so many are, to decide, "well, in for a penny, in for a pound,” and before you know it, you’ve doubled down and booked a half day balloon ride.

Nooooooo!

You are going to be kicking yourself by the end of hour one! Personally, every time we dipped down a bit lower in the atmosphere, I started thinking, “How hurt would I really be if I jumped out of this basket? I’ve had lots of stage combat training… and I’ve watched stuntmen land unscathed, and seen how they tuck themselves into a ball to recover from a moving jump… I wonder how far away the closest restaurant is? Or... do we think they also sell food at that dispensary? If they don’t they really should… that would be a smart business move… what with munchies and all that…”

After the first hour or so, I usually start concocting a plan to hurl myself over the side and onto the ground, all to escape that tiny basket of boredom.

**The exception to everything I just wrote is if you find yourself in a place where going up in a balloon will provide you access to something truly monumental, say, a breathtaking or informative view you wouldn’t or couldn’t get in any other way. For me, that place was Egypt, and I am talking here specifically about floating over the Valley of the Kings. It is a hot air balloon ride that I would recommend emphatically to anyone considering it and would do again myself in a heartbeat. The sunrise view that you get of the ancient Egyptian tombs from above is truly magnificent, plus, since there are always multiple balloons going up at once, you will also be able to photograph them from afar, beautifully dotting the morning sky at sunrise. This is something you will not get when you just charter your own, singular, personal balloon ride in Colorado. Also, in Egypt, we didn’t start out the day by meeting at a marijuana dispensary. For all these reasons and more, a balloon ride over somewhere epic (like the Valley of the Kings) is an absolute delight, and I highly recommend it. It gets a solid SF rating of 9!

The only reason it doesn’t get a 10, is because regardless of where you do it, there’s never going to be anything physically engaging about the experience. You will always just be standing still, trapped, in a tiny floating basket. That part never changes, so neither does my reluctance to commit to riding for any longer than about an hour or so.

Did you know that in 18th century France the first hot air balloon ride launched by the brothers Montgolfier contained a sheep, a rooster, and a duck?

Cuz Margaux and I sure do....